Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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