her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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