Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
