I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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