I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
