I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
