Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
