Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
