in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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