i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize