who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
