I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
