i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
