we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
