I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
