I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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