im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Randomize
