P.S. I can't hear my feet
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
