# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
