Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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