ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
