At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
