You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize