I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
