What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Randomize
