I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You made out with two different species that night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
