Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize