Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Blood and glitter go together right?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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