plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
