I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
