If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
