i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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