just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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