I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
