How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
