if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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