She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
