I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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