I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
