i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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