Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
