Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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