tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
