Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
