i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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