Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
