Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
