I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
