Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
