I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
