I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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