Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
