Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I understand Curling. That high.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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