I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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