I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
