I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
