I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
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