so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
